Two years ago today, I realized we were losing our 2nd child. Today I am missing/wondering about/longing to have known the sweet, tiny baby that we lost. I know God's plan is greater than our own as hard as it is to understand/accept at times. I also know we wouldn't have Abigail had we not lost that baby, but is it so wrong to wish we could have both here with us on this earth? I hardly talked about the miscarriage with anyone, even family. Some of it was just because it hurt too much and I don't like to cry in front of others. I wanted to appear strong, but it was physically, mentally & emotionally hard. Some of it was out of guilt that someone would think I was crazy for being so upset. We were only 6 weeks along, had not even told family yet and had only known for less than a week ourselves. I was worried people wouldn't consider it as much of a life as I did & would think that I should just "get over it" and "move on." But it was a life. It was a tiny tiny baby. It was a loved & wanted. I thought people might think that since we had not known the baby for very long that it wouldn't be the same as losing a child. It is still the loss of a child. While it may not have the same length of time for the healing process that someone who lost a baby at a much later time would have, I would consider the initial pain of the loss to be the same. Realizing this baby you already love will no longer be growing inside you, you'll never get to hold it, you'll never get to let it know just how much you love it...so many nevers. It was actually a surprise baby, which I had wanted and prayed that our 2nd baby would maybe come that way because we tried for 11 months before getting pregnant with Logan and that was so hard for me. I wanted desperately to not go through the waiting/hoping/disappointment/repeat game again. I thought God had answered my prayer...and really He had...but I was so confused why He would do that, only to take it away. I was heartbroken.
He was due on Brandon's birthday. I thought that was pretty cool. I say "he" because I'm convinced it was a boy. My Dad has this silly little thing for calculating what the sex of the baby will be & he has been right for both of my kids & both of my nieces (and lots of others too!). I think Logan would have liked having a little brother. I wonder what it would have been like with 2 boys. Abigail is such an active little girl, I feel like it can't be much crazier with 2 boys than it is with her & Logan. Maybe my boy would have been the calm child...or maybe we're just destined to not have any calm children. It may not be in our genetics. Ha! I wonder what he would have looked like. Would he have had lots of hair like Logan? Would he have my blue eyes? Would he have dark hair like both Logan & Abigail, or lighter like mine was when I was a child. Or maybe even red like his Great Grandpa and his Gigi. The one thing I do know is I would have loved him no matter what.
The more I think about the loss of our baby the more my heart aches that not everyone views it as a life worth giving them a chance to grow/live. I just don't understand how people can truly feel like it's ok to purposely end a life just because it is so tiny & inside it's mother rather than in "the real world." I so badly want that little life back that I lost, yet some want so badly to get rid of the life inside them that they will deny that it truly is a life. I just don't understand. Why do I have to lose the life I so badly want to keep, yet they get a life that they can choose to end?
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Last year, around this time, my mom's sweet bible study ladies prayed over us and gave me this sweet gift. It's a little stained glass angel & candle. When I see it, I think about our sweet baby and I like to think that he is in the arms of an angel. It brings me comfort. I don't really know what Heaven will be like, but I sure hope we'll be able to meet this precious, beautiful child of ours.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. Just a lot of thoughts & emotions and I just wanted somewhere to throw it all. It's kind of healing in a way I guess. I have no idea if it even all flows or sounds coherent. But, I do know, I'm thankful for this little life, and for the short time that I was able to love him.
